x country

today had the same helpless feeling that i had 1 year ago.
the phobia was there.
the sky was dull.
everything seemed like it's toppling down.

i had cross country today.

i nearly died.
like there's this pain inside.
there more i run, the more pain it is.
and my legs are breaking.
i should quit running.

after my run, it was there.
it came back to me.
i couldnt get rid of it.
i couldnt stop thinking.
i couldnt breathe.

where are you.
i cant find wad i wanted.
i longed for it yet it never came.
all i wanted was comfort.
a different kind of comfort.
yet i nv get it.

while i was running,
i felt depressed.
helpless.
i feel like a weakling.
i even WALK.
i really couldnt stand it.
i had to stop.
i had to face reality.
i had to calm myself down.
i jog. real slowly till i reach the end.
then i thought to myself.
i must live better than you.
so i fasten up my pace. and sprint at the end.
i fell on my knees when i reach the finishing point.

im trying hard to stand up.
and i will.
i never wanna fall back into that well.
that well of love.
as u said.

bought a table lamp today.
went to pp with my parents.
my mum tried holding my dad's hands yet he didnt.
aiya.
daddy ah, how can like that?
LOL.

alright.
gtg.
bye yall.